HomeToMyLove

My cal and I have been married for a year now.

Part of me wants to say that this first year has been everything we expected. Joy, giddiness, honeymoon feels, and a newness in the best way.

In ways, it was.

But, a few months after the “high” of our wedding started to wear off, we also felt.. grief?

Huh.

That’s unexpected.

After the initial shock of having that feeling, we realized that we were grieving our engagement season.

For most couples this season is an elated, celebratory, and anticipated season. For us, it was spent in intense conversations about the validity of our relationship, changes in job descriptions (cal, as a worship leader, was no longer allowed to “preach, teach, pray, or read scripture from the stage”), and a loss of a community.

While we were in the season, we were focused on planning a wedding and getting through the conversations, and thanks to our beautiful and perfect chosen family, we were able to also feel deeply celebrated and loved. But even though we had good people surrounding and uplifting us, we didn’t realize until post wedding how much hurt we were experiencing.

We felt judged. Dismissed. Invaluable-by those who once appreciated us and what we had to offer.

We were being talked about instead of invited into conversation. By church leaders. Family. Former friends.

For us, after a year of marriage, nothing has felt fully resolved – only pushed under rugs and walked over.

We have found better spaces to exist in, strength we didn’t know we had, and understanding of God and this world. But that doesn’t mean we are over it, yet.

So, we grieve.

We grieved this year.

Grieved the loss.

Grieved the blissful engagement experience we will never have.

Grieved the community we wanted to hold tight to.

Grieved the normalcy other couples get.

We grieve and we celebrate.

We grieve and we keep going.